


Trouble Trouble Trouble

by rainbowshoppe



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Autistic Michael Mell, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Post-Canon, Self-Harm, adhd michael mell, internalized ableism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-24
Updated: 2019-02-24
Packaged: 2019-11-04 16:01:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,157
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17901182
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rainbowshoppe/pseuds/rainbowshoppe
Summary: Okay, listen.Maybe it's not exactly..."healthy," or whatever, the way Michael was. But it was okay. Because he was dealing with it.Michael was dealing with it and it was okay.(It was decidedly not okay.)





	Trouble Trouble Trouble

**Author's Note:**

> (smacks this fic) this baby can fit so much coping thru someone elses characters in it  
> uhh i dont normally write & this is the first finished fic ive done in quite some time? i hope its good & u enjoy!!  
> also like i said in the tags, tw for self harm (i think? michael scratches himself pretty badly but theres no broken skin or anything), mentions of suicide/ideation, & a bit of internalized ableism  
> u will never pry autistic michael from my autistic little hands

Okay, listen.  
  
Maybe it's not exactly..."healthy," or whatever, the way Michael was. But it was okay. Because he was dealing with it.  
  
Michael was dealing with it and it was okay.  
  
Of course, the way his hands trembled in the middle of class when he couldn't puzzle out an answer or the way he'd rarely contribute to the conversation when hanging out said otherwise. Of course, the way bruises made themselves known at the incessant hitting of his body and the crescent marks under his hoodie sleeves twinged with pain said otherwise. Of course, Jeremy said otherwise.  
  
As well as he'd gotten at hiding his distressed stims and putting on a cool air until he was free to panic and break down in private, 12 years of friendship proved to have him beat. He sat in his basement, Switch Joycons in hand and breath carefully measured while he struggled not to bounce his leg. Jeremy had come over with the express purpose of, "Kicking your ass in Smash, of course!" which they both knew was a task easier said than done. But as Jeremy was sitting pretty with 3 wins under his belt and 2 stocks up in the current match, he paused the game.  
  
"Michael?" Jeremy starts, trepidation in his voice and eyes as he glanced at the other. Michael worries his lip and just as quickly stops, trying not to let his anxiety show. The energy shifts to his leg and he can't force himself not to bounce it.  
  
"Yeah man? Why'd you pause? I was only a couple seconds away from turning this game on it's head!" he laughs, hoping it didn't ring as false as it was. Jeremy spares him a single chuckle before putting his controller down and turning fully to his friend.  
  
"Your leg's been bouncing on and off since I got here and even though I've been winning, you've been unnaturally quiet. Are you alright?" And, to his credit, Michael  _doesn't_ immediately try to think of an excuse to get out of the question as quickly as possible. Instead, he refuses to look at the boy next to him as he turns his way to at least be polite. It takes him a couple tries and a bit of clutching at his arm before he can answer, "What...do you mean?" He can tell from the way Jeremy slumps a bit in his beanbag that it probably wasn't the most convincing performance he's ever put on.  
  
"You've been weirdly distant recently. We hang out pretty much everyday but it's like...I don't know. It's like we never talk anymore? And I can never tell if it's something I've done or if you're feeling bad and I'm just not picking up on it or something else. And you and I both know you're better at Smash than this and even when you're having an off day you at least yell at me or something." Jeremy pauses and Michael looks at him just in time to see how worried he looks before he continues softly, "I just...what's up, Micah?"  
  
It takes everything in him not to spill everything at the simple use of Jeremy's nickname for him. He looks away and snakes his hands into either one of his sleeves so he can claw at his arms. He's grateful it's more easily hidden than his other ways of relief.  
  
"Nothing...is wrong, Jeremy." Michael silently curses himself as his words come out slower and more robotic than he wants them to. He scratches harder at his arms. "I've just, been a bit tired recently is all. Gotta study for all those exams and stuff, right?" He'd wince at his own lack of inflection if it wouldn't give him away even more. Jeremy does it for him.  
  
"C'mon Mikey.  _Please_ tell me what's wrong? We're best friends and it pains me to see you like this." Jeremy moves to put his hand on Michael's shoulder, but the spectacled boy flinches away. He tries his best to cover it up by starting to rock.  
  
"Really, Jeremy. Everything's good. I'm just...tired." The lie sounds bad to even him now, but what else can he do? Dump all his issues on his best friend who he may or may not be in love with and who he's still kinda worried might just up and leave him again? Give him more reason to do so? Just hand him the keys to his heart so he can come on in and wreak the place for a second time? That's just not an option. His hands travel faster and faster back and forth across his forearms that feel nothing but numb, and when Jeremy gently gently places his own hands on top of them, his thoughts and movements freeze.  
  
Gingerly, the pale boy pulls Michael's hands out of his hoodie and pushes one sleeve up to his elbow. Michael just...lets him, unable to think fast enough to protest. His brain finally catches up to the situation when Jeremy sucks in his breath and he looks down at his own arm to see it scratched nearly raw. He can finally feel the pain it pulses at him and his eyes fill with moisture against his will.  
  
"Michael, please. What's this about?" Some distantly snarky part of his brain congratulates Jeremy for not just calling him on his bullshit outright. Another loving part thanks him for speaking so softly even though it's obvious he's freaked out. The rest of his mind takes a bit longer to formulate anything even vaguely intelligent to say. He's all out excuses, or at the very least least can't access anymore of the ones he'd thought up. So he takes a real big gulp of air (when did he stop breathing?) and quietly ekes out a response.  
  
"I have realized that I am...not good. For you or in general or for my moms or for anyone." He shuts his eyes and very slowly starts to rock again. "Everything would be so much better if I weren't here. You would've been popular and wouldn't have needed the Squip, my moms would be a whole lot weathier, I wouldn't have held anybody down..." Michael feels himself trail off. Even though his words are stiff and take longer than necessary to come out, he can feel Jeremy tighten his hold on him everytime he says something troublesome.  
  
"I'm just a big ball of problems, Jeremy. I'm barely passing in half of my classes, I can't ever focus on anything I find uninteresting, I'm pretty sure all of your friends hate it when I hang around them," he ruefully glances as his exposed arm, rife with evidence of his issues, "and I can't act like a normal human being. It's tiresome, Jeremy. I'm tired." At least now when he says it, he can feel good about the fact it's no longer a lie.  
  
Silence follows as Michael refuses to elaborate more. He can only hope his swaying is covering up the way he shakes. He feels stupid, doing exactly what he didn't want to do. Saying things like this outloud like he's allowed to or something. Sharing the terribleness that is him just like he always does, just overtly this time. He wants to rip at his arms some more, but can't find the energy to do more than he already is.  
  
Jeremy is quiet for a long moment. He finally calls Michael's name softly and, before he can even think to look at his friend, he's pulled into a near crushing embrace. The force knocks his glasses askew and it doesn't take any thought for him to melt into the touch. Jeremy wastes little time, holding the boy impossibly tighter.  
  
"Nothing would ever be better with you gone, Micah." Jeremy's voice trembles with emotion, as well as his body. Or maybe it's Michael's shakes going through the both of them. He can't tell. "Everything would be so much worse. I can't think of one single thing that wouldn't suck without you here. I was already without you for so long, longer than I ever want to happen again. I don't know what I would do, Michael. I don't know what I would do."   
  
Michael can hear Jeremy start to get choked up and has a hard time processing why. He'd heard everything Jeremy just said, but he can't really make heads nor tails of it. Why would he ever not know what to do? He's got so many more friends now, a brand new semi-functional dad, an entire school's worth of teens to be grateful towards him...he can't understand.  
  
"Because none of that would've been possible without you!" The outburst takes Michael by complete surprise. Had he been talking outloud? Jeremy pulls back and Michael absolutely does  _not_ whine at the loss of contact. When he looks at Jeremy, he can see tears pricking at his eyes. He immediately feels shitty for being the cause of that.  
  
"You saved us from the squips! You helped my dad start being better! You're the only reason I can be friends with any one of those guys! It was all you, Michael! You fixed everything! Nothing would be like this without you!" Jeremy cries, hands tightening on Michael's shoulders, as if he's also trying to get the point across via force. Michael can only stare at him dumbly as small tears roll down his cheek.  
  
Jeremy takes a calming breath before giving Michael another hug. This one is much weaker, and Michael can't decide if he's more upset about that or the fact he's the reason Jeremy feels too drained to hold him any tighter.  
  
They sit like that for a bit, before Michael finally gets the bright idea to hug him back. Jeremy sighs with relief and Michael it torn between feeling mad and being relieved himself. He goes with the latter.  
  
Jeremy buries his head into the crook of Michael's neck and Michael does his best not to explode at the action. Despite what's happening, he's still very much in love with his friend and this is a very compromising position for him to be in. He's focusing so hard on not being a weirdo that he almost misses the brunette whisper, "I love you, please don't even think about leaving." and his breath hitches.  
  
He can hear Jeremy swear. He can feel him lift back up. He can see him looking at him and say something, but whatever it is just sounds like static. The thought of Jeremy's words are so much. Too much. He sways back and forth, clutches at his upper arms and looks at somewhere past the other boy. He must've misheard, that's all. Right? Jeremy makes more garbled noises at him but try as he might he can't figure anything out through his rising panic. He realizes at that moment that he hasn't been breathing, that he can't breathe. He pries his hands off his arms and reaches for his throat. Why can't he breathe?  
  
His hearing comes back to him and he can make out Jeremy breathing deliberately. It takes a bit for it to click, but Michael soon does his best to follow the other's lead until his eyes focus. Jeremy perks up a bit.  
  
"Can you hear me now?" Michael opens his mouth to reply, but finds he can't get a word out. He tries again to the same outcome. Okay. Cool. He swallows and nods. He couldn't read Jeremy's face now even if he wanted to.  
  
"Can you...tell me what happened?" he sounds nervous, and Michael is pretty sure he's worried he'll flip his shit again. Again he tries to respond, but can't force out more than some nondescript noise.  Cool. Great. That's amazing. He scrunches his face in anger and balls his hands into fists, swiftly slamming them hard on his legs. It startles Jeremy, but he can't focus on that at the moment. He tries again, and again, and again, hitting his legs with each failure. Words won't grace his presence. He's about three seconds from combusting from frustration.  
  
Before he can decorate himself with anymore bruises, a phone is pushed into his hands. He blinks in confusion and looks up. Jeremy looks...concerned. Of course he is, Michael's just been sitting in silence, hitting himself! Why wouldn't he be concerned? Jeremy cuts off his thoughts before they can go much further.  
  
"You can type, if talking's too much for you right now." His voice is soft and smooth and doesn't match his face at all, which was fraught with nerves. Doesn't match the situation, which was completely undesirable. Doesn't make an ounce of sense whatsoever. Michael opens the phone and finds it already open on the notes app. It's very convenient, because the second his mind catches up, he's typing rapidly at the keyboard.  
  
_**didd yuo mean hwt you siad earlier??? cuas if nto thtas a rlly shitty joke?? why are you so calm rihgrt nwo also how are yuo doinf thta akslo why anrt you frkeaing out i dont undrtsnad??? im sory i cnta tlak also iknow thta its sutpid bbtu i cnat msorry**_  
  
He all but tosses the phone at Jeremy and closes his eyes, rubbing at the fabric of his beanbag. He's practically slumped off it by now but it's still pleasant to feel the plush under his fingers. Jeremy takes what feels like forever to read the message as Michael writhes with worry.  
  
"First of all," Jeremy says, and Michael does his best not to flinch, "don't be sorry. It's alright and it's not stupid. Don't even worry about it." Michael doesn't see how it's possible to do that, but he can't exactly argue right now. "Second of all, I'm calm because I know that me freaking out isn't what either of us need right now." Michael feels a little indignant at the prospect of him being immature, but he tries his best to not see it that way. "And last of all, Micah...I'd never joke about something like that. Hell I didn't even think you'd hear it. But still, I meant it." Jeremy looks a little shier than he has the entire afternoon as he continues. "I love you. I think I have since like, middle school? Like, love love. Uh,  _in_ love. 'Cause like, I've loved you in like, a general way since forever. Since we're best friends and all. Uh, if that's okay? Um," Jeremy's rambling peters off, presumably out of things to say.  
  
Michael sits and lets the revelation roll over him both extremely fast and deathly slow. He understands what's said as soon as it's said, but it takes a few minutes of simply staring for it to fully mean anything. For the third time his mouth flaps open, wordless, and before he can even start to get upset again, Jeremy places his phone back in his hands. Michael types a lot slower this time.  
  
__**im?? i dont wanna say it over this cuase it feels dumb but same  
** when i can say words again ill say it better sorry  
  
Jeremy reads a lot faster this time. He smiles joyfully and envelopes Michael in a hug. Michael takes a lot less time reciprocating and can't stop himself from giving an almost watery laugh. Jeremy gives one back.   
  
Finally able to breathe easy, Michael takes the time to appreciate just how tired he is. It's a sudden wave of exhaustion he's able to feel all at once, and he all but slumps into the tall boy's hold. Jeremy makes a noise of concern and Michael finds he's finally able to use his vocal cords again.  
  
"Tired," he slurs, closing his eyes. He feels Jeremy nod and maneuver them until they're both stood up. Michael allows him to walk them over to his bed and sit. He wastes little time trying to lay down, but not before feeling his uneven glasses plucked from his face. Half sat up, he opens his eyes to see a slightly blurry Jeremy and his suddenly much too bright lamp. He falls the rest of the way onto the mattress and curls into himself, groaning a bit.   
  
He can hear Jeremy padding around, doing whatever, but can't stand the thought of looking. A bit of clacking and couple of clicks later, he can sense the lamp's light disappear and feels the bed dip slightly in front of him. Peeking out, he sees Jeremy just staring at him. It's a bit hard to tell, but it looks like he's mentally debating something. Before he can ask, Jeremy speaks.  
  
"I know we just sorta had like, a big thing happen. That was a Big Thing." Michael nods a bit. "But I can also guess talking about it might still be a bit much right now, right?" He nods again, relieved he doesn't have to use his higher brain functions for a while yet. "Right, yeah. So I'm gonna let you rest for a while. And, um," Jeremy stutters, looking away and wringing his hands. Michael frowns a bit. He must be gearing up to leave but unable to figure out how to phrase it. That's alright. Michael has spent enough post meltdown days by himself to deal with it. Though...it would be a lot better if Jeremy stayed right now. Since he's already here and all. Is that selfish of him? He's weighing the thought when Jeremy's soft voice interrupts his process.  
  
"Can...can um...I know you like pressure and stuff so would it be alright if I like, held you?" Jeremy looks as if he knows exactly how awkward the question comes out, but he doesn't try to backpedal. Michael squints at him, a twinge baffled. This was a far cry from what he was anticipating would happen. Like the entire opposite direction really? Wow, that's uh...wow. It's another Big Thing he decides, and squirrels it away for later.   
  
In lieu of a spoken answer, Michael grabs Jeremy's hand and tugs at it to get him to lay down with him. The brunette follows easily and Michael gives him a small smile before latching onto the other. Jeremy is quick to deliver as promised, holding his friend (are they still  _just_ friends?) tightly. Michael can feel the last of his anxieties fade away as he slowly lets his exhaustion consume him.  
  
"Love you, Miah." It's the smoothest thing he's said all afternoon, albeit slurred with sleep. He can faintly feel Jeremy smile into his shoulder before getting back a muffled reply of, "Love you too, Micah." It's the last thing he hears before drifting off.  
  
So maybe it wasn't the best way of going about things. But it was okay. Because he was dealing with it.  
  
Michael was dealing with it.  
  
Michael was dealing with it, and when he couldn't, Jeremy was there to help him.

**Author's Note:**

> thank u for reading ^w^ i love u! id love it if you commented but please no criticism, constructive or otherwise!! its silly but id just prefer it that way  
> if the panicked typing from michael is too scrambled to read, heres what it says in plain text:
> 
> did you mean what you said earlier??? cause if not thats a really shitty joke?? why are you so calm right now also how are you doing that also why arent you freaking out i dont understand??? im sorry i cant talk also i know that its stupid but i cant im sorry


End file.
